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Friday, October 05, 2007

Fight the black dog #7 - October 07

Fight the Black Dog #7

– a contribution from another “Black Dog Knitter”

I found your blog through whipup.net. I think that
this is a great thing that you're doing. I thought
I'd write something and send it in... If you post it,
I wouldn't mind being named as just June.

Umm, I wish you luck with this! I'd like to read more
stories that people send in. :) I think it helps.

---
Everyday I'd think, "Why do I have to exist?"

My boyfriend called while my roommates and I were
watching Nip/Tuck, so we paused it. When I came back
a few minutes later, the DVD had returned to the main
menu. It wasn't paused anymore.

"What took you so long?" one of my roommates asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You were gone for like 15 minutes."

"I was only gone for like 5. That's what my phone
said."

"Well we already finished the episode."

I threw down the remote and said, "Fine." Like a
sulking child.

"We're just kidding!" They gave each other looks.

I ran off to my room, tearing up, citing that it had
been a bad day, and I locked myself in my room and
cried for hours. My roommate didn't try to come in.
That made it even worse, you know? Knowing that
nobody cared enough to comfort me when I was crying.
I was always waiting for someone to bust in the door
and cry out, "What's wrong, June?" and hug me and
everything would be better.

I think 6 years of hiding it from my parents helped me
hide it from everybody else too. I can't expect
someone to make me feel better if I didn't let them
know. I locked myself away because I didn't want
people to know. I was alone because I made sure I was
alone.

The reason I'm writing about this incident is because
this is the one that made me realize that I needed to
find help. I couldn't possibly live with this
overwhelming despair about my useless and worthless
existence. I couldn't live knowing that I was
pathetic. There are people in the world who remain
strong, facing shit that I could never even imagine
facing... and here I am, crying over a fucking TV
show? How pathetic. What a pathetic person.

I thought, "I don't want to feel like this anymore."

Admitting it was such a hard step to take. Actually
doing something about it was even harder. That phone
call to the counseling services on my university
campus... there were moments when I wanted to hang up
and forget about it....

I'm glad I didn't.
---
June

– how to contact me and/or show your support
if you would like to contact me, you can do so at ginger_nut(at)bigpond(dot)com – if you are sending me a story of your particular battle, please try to include whether or not you want me to include your details. I received some emails from anonymous email addresses, and that is fine as well. I’ll include those stories later one.
I was happy that people have posted about depression on their own blogs, as well as sharing the button I created. If you would like to show support with the button you’ll find details of how to create the link via the first weeks post.
Finally, a big thank you to everyone who has mentioned my campaign on their blogs, podcasts or web-zines – I have tried to visit everyone who left a comment, and if you look at my sidebar you will see my bloglines list has grown quite a bit. If I have missed you, please leave a comment or send an email.

– a brief disclaimer
I need to point out that I am in no way an expert or professional in the field of mental health – everything I share with you here derived from my own personal experience and treatment in conjunction with ‘self-education’ from wanting to know more about this condition. I have started this campaign to raise awareness of Depression and mental illness and to help support others who are affected by this (whether directly suffering or knowing others who suffer) If you are in need of help, please contact your doctor and speak to those in your family and circle of friends.

Cheers,

Ginger_nut aka Meg

2 comments:

mehitabel said...

Meg, thank you for doing this. I have been fighting my own black dog, along with severe anemia, for a long time now, and it really helps to know I'm not alone. I don't want to give in to it--and I won't!

Where fibers meet mud said...

Hang in there - you are doing the right thing seeking help - been there done that a couple of times -

YOUR KNITTING IS FABOO!

I always find the cure to my dismal spells being the moment I decide to give away my life in service to others - that hat would be great for the Long Shore Men in NYC - - just a thought of what you can do with what you have in your hands and in your control...

I have connections to the NYC LongShoreMen