In the past week, someone has made the comment that my blog is, well, lacking in personality. I am certain that this was a comment that was meant to insult, humiliate and shame – but it didn’t.
You see, at times I think that, perhaps, my blog could be lacking in personality. Because, at times, I feel that my personality has up and left.
I happen to suffer a tad bit from mental illness. Well, that would be an understatement. I think the term my GP used at my last medical appointment was “severe depressive disorder” – I think I can understand why Churchill was so fond of the term “The Black Dog!”
When I was first diagnosed, nearly some 3 years ago I walked through life in a fog. Days, weeks, months – even years, all disappeared in a foggy blur. During one such blurry day I found myself in Kmart. I didn’t know they had a haberdashery section, or that they stocked yarn. I bought two balls of Magnum Print (8ply variegated acrylic) and 4mm needles. I went home and cast on as many stitches as I could fit on the needles – and started to knit. I do not know what I was making, but it seems in some way to help with the fidgets. To help with that need to do something, although I was unable to summon energy or focus concentration for anything else.
I didn’t have the energy to cook. The mere thought of having to stand up to shower was exhausting. I couldn’t answer the phone, or leave the house. I was a lump – sitting on the couch and watching television. I couldn’t do anything because of depression – or so I thought.
After a while I realised – I had made four centimetres of fabric from a single thread. I finished one 100 gram ball of yarn, tied on the second ball and kept knitting. It was a simple pattern – knit one, purl one – moss stitch. When I ran out of yarn I left the house to get more. I couldn’t go to the supermarket to buy groceries, but the need for yarn, the need to knit, got me out. I kept knitting, 6 balls in total went into that one project. There was a lot I could not do because of Depression, but somewhere along the way, all in one piece, I knit a blanket large enough for a cot.
I still needed to knit. This time I bought more yarn, cast on more stitches, still not really sure of how, why or what I was doing it for, but kept going in single moss stitch. This time I used 10 balls and had a blanket big enough for a single bed all in one piece. And somewhere, with each stitch and each row, I manage to build up a little hope.
For the next project I had a goal – not only did I have something I wanted to do, I thought it was achievable.
I started this blog, back in August, as a way for me to keep track of time and of my accomplishments, both are so easy to forget when you suffer from Depression. It was never meant to be a way to receive validation from masses of adoring. I have used my blog as a way to escape from this illness – to only focus on the positive. Since August last year (which was my first post) I have lost my job, my career, my relationship – all because of Depression. And not once did I mention this illness on this Blog.
And I think it is wrong. I know many people who have suffered with similar conditions to mine – and know that many find knitting to be a great comfort. I also know that people are afraid to talk about it. I was – but I am not anymore.
And I am starting up an internet campaign to raise awareness for mental health – I am asking anyone who has suffered from an illness like this, or knows someone who has, or even someone who has used knitting or crafting to work though grief and tough times – to take the time to talk about it. If you want to share your story please email me at ginger_nut(at)bigpond(dot)com and I will add it to my “Knit and Fight the Black Dog” posts. If requested I will not share personal details so you can tell your stories anonymously.
Please use the link below to create a button on your blog to link to “Knit and Fight the Black Dog” – I will put all the stories here. And please – feel free to steal my bandwidth with this button.
I am going to be starting “Fight the Black Dog” Friday where I will share links, stories and my own progress with this illness. And hopefully, I will be able to keep things positive around here still.
Please cut and past this code to your blog to create a button: (replace [ and ] with < and >)
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